“We gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.  The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history.”
President Barack Obama (January 20, 2009)

President Obama delivered this a statement in his inaugural address with singular reference to America’s moment in history and the significant challenges that beset that nation.  However, I immediately identified with his statement as a strongly familiar sentiment in my work as a collaborative professional in family law matters.  I often sense that people are drawn to the spirit of respect and dignity and know implicitly that fairness and justice are matters of self-empowerment even at the most difficult time of their divorce or separation.  Addressing the emotional dynamics with the legal divorce is a fundamental part of modern family dispute resolution.  Separating couples soon realize that entails more than understanding the law model or the technical realities of separation agreements or divorce settlements.  Candidly clients are seeking cues to success and clarity around the expressed values that will help them achieve a wise and durable arrangement as the family restructures through the divorce and separation experience.  I would suggest the following universal components of an effective divorce settlement in terms of clients’ emotional preparedness.

Acceptance

Mutual acceptance is a definite indicator of the nature and degree of professional intervention in dispute resolution.  Separating spouses may be at different places in their respective understanding of marriage closure issues and “where do I go from here” but a fundamental step towards success in conflict dispute resolution is the mutual recognition and acceptance that the marriage is over.  I would view acceptance as the major psychological foundation for an effective interest-based negotiation.  The capacity to form the thinking around your own distinct and individual needs and wants remains pivotal to self-empowerment and “going forward”.  Unfortunately, struggling with this individual insight often transmutes into fighting against the collective process of resolution.  An essential element in my initial consultation deals with current stage of marriage closure. We need to know that you know that marriage counseling is available in our community.  Why? Because a marriage is a living thing and it is organically on the path of growth or atrophy.  The ups and downs of marriage – the better or worse of marriage are part of the narrative of our social convention.  To a family resolution practitioner, the non-judgmental approach is to appreciate whether the need to repair or end the marital relationship has been sufficiently and fairly explored by the spouses.  If they have determined relational repair to be unavailable, then we are bridging into a realization or prospect that one stage of the relationship has ended (qua intimates) and another stage (qua co-parents or friends) has begun.  As we know, acceptance is the latter phase of an emotional journey akin to grieving the death of a spouse.  I would commend a vast array of literature and resources which assist people through the critical path of working through individual recovery.  This is hard but necessary work as acceptance remains a major natural resource enabling voluntary progress in achieving settlement.

Conflict

“Conflict” and “Crisis” are words that denote hardship, distress and adversity.  Perhaps if we reframe these concepts for our own use, we may maximize the potential for settlement.  Conflict is defined as a perceived interference by the other spouse and like mistrust is ever present in its potential to derail settlement.  However, conflict is not absolutely inevitable or necessarily prevalent in settlement.  That is, there are many substantive points arising in the separation process like time with children or financial issues around evaluation or the matrimonial home but if we can reduce or eliminate conflict, then we are obviously left with a less complicated resolution.  Now we are able to really focus upon the substantive issues and use common problem solving strategies.  We increase information for individual decision making and further decrease the prospect of positional bargaining.  As we mediators say “go hard on the problem – soft on the people”.  People come to realize that conflict is unnecessary and remain vigilant of allowing anger, fear or resentments to spin out legal or process points.

Crisis becomes reframed as a process of mutual decision-making as opposed to an event of confrontation.  Mutual respect and interest based resolutions become possible and the probability of success increases.

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